I’m sorry that I’ve been “away” for so long. I’ve had a lot going on; and I’ve had to deal with a lot of things that led to issues with how I felt about myself and the gifts GOD has given me.
I also didn’t realize that I was still walking through old grief and feelings from my past hurts that I thought were gone; but deep in my heart I still hadn’t let go of. I know that I’m free from it in Christ in my head; I was having an inner battle with my heart.
Fear and resentment take many forms; but when it’s so deep in your soul, sometimes we’re afraid to being them to the surface and address it just like it is – JUNK!
Junk that we’ve pushed to the side to make room for things going on in our lives – family, work, church roles – to make us “feel better”. And they do; but that nagging is still there. I pushed it down so deep that I thought it was compacted into a little box; but that box wound up expanding and taking over.
Let’s be brutally honest, shall we? As women we are emotional creatures; and I’m especially emotional in this stage of my life. My emotions are on a constant roller coaster. One minute I’m happy and love life; the next minute the world holds no joy and I want to cry in a corner with my “blankie”. Just as fast as the wind changes, so do my emotions.
And for quite a while I’ve been letting these emotions rule my thoughts.
I’ve fed into the lies that I’m not worth being truly loved, accepted or even appreciated. That what I have to say isn’t relevant or important; that others are a lot smarter and have more to say or even say it better. No one will ever truly listen to what I’m saying or do anything with it.
So I just clammed up; I put it all in a neat box with a bow and hid it deep inside. No one needs to know. Just life as usual, making sure that I keep it together and put on a great face for the rest of the world and move forward with my life.
But then – GOD told me otherwise….
I was going through my home office and saw a stack of books in the corner. You know which one I’m talking about – the one that we started with lofty intentions; the ones people recommended and ordered, saying I REALLY need to read this. The ones our girlfriends told us were really worth it that spoke to us at the time. Next thing we know, they’re collecting dust and became a Bible stand or even a cup holder.
It was a reminder that it’s time to clear the junk from my life and find time for reading…and it started with my Bible. Not just the app or the daily devotional; not just to “check it off the To Do List”. But to be intentional in my study time; to open it up and lean in…and really hear HIM.
The first thing HE had to remind me was to BE STILL!
It’s OK to take time for myself; because a facial and a hot bath are really wonderful. I’m talking about taking the time to sit and listen to HIS voice.
In the stillness HE’s told me quite a few things that I need to remember:
I need to let go and fully share my gifts….
I’m not supposed to wallow in my despair and wandering thoughts…
I need to forgive myself before I can forgive others…
And love myself – despite myself and my crazy moods.
GOD is such a wonderful, caring Father! That’s why I can call HIM Abba! HE is so patient with me and cares deeply for me, despite of my emotions, thoughts and fears.
So I’m going into 2019 with a fresh outlook and a new start. Beginning with scheduling quiet time with GOD. This is more than my devotions in the morning; but scheduled time to read, be still and just lean in. It may be through worship music; verses that I want to memorize; just time to sit back and listen to HIM.
I hope you’ll make more time for GOD in 2019 – I am!
